The tea on my little break

So… it’s been a while hehe.

I feel like I should apologise, and I know that’s me overplaying my importance and feeling like I owe myself to the world but for anyone who was finding even a tiny bit of solace in my experience, sorry to have left you hanging. I said the Prozac was kicking in, but clearly there’s still work to be done haha.

Also, just a warning, this is a post I’ve written to actually sort out my feelings and thoughts, so it will be a lot of me me me and I’m not that interesting so feel free to stop reading. But if you’re a nosy little shit like I am and love reading about people’s problems in a non-creepy way then read along!

Maybe it’s because I’m still in academia but September always feel like the real new year for me. It’s a constant point where I can measure myself against the year before to see how things have changed and where I’m at. So, the last couple months for me have been very reflective. I was so excited about this new blogging experience for myself but I think deep down I knew I’d have to actually admit how scared I am about starting life again.

Obviously I didn’t die or anything looool, but as I’ve mentioned, taking a year out of school was a break from the schedule. Then the lovely Ms Rona showed up and added a new dimension to that break where we literally could not do anything for months, so for the last year and a bit I just haven’t used my brain much at all. It seemed like everyone picked up a new hobby or a new skill and all I picked up was a nocturnal body clock and a dependency on online poker. While it was frustrating for me, it was visibly more frustrating for my loved ones who couldn’t understand how blasé I am about the fact that I’ve got no structure or direction in my life. It still confuses me how much people can care about me and what mistakes I’m making when truthfully, I don’t care that much. I could not begin to count how many passive aggressive discussions I’ve had in the last year about how I can’t just only have fun — but don’t be surprised when I make it as a socialite xo.

I know that comes from a place of love and me being the people pleaser I am just gave a lot of placating answers and reassured people that I would be fine when I knew actually there’s still so many things I’m scared of and I’m actually not 100% ready to jump back into normal life after all the mess of the last couple of years.

So here’s the tea on what is actually on my mind:

1) I’m scared that I can’t concentrate

When lockdown eased, I went on a lovely trip away to Durham with some of my best friends and it was the wholesome time together I needed. During that trip, I tried to read a book and I kid you not, I fell asleep after reading 2 lines. That wasn’t even long enough for me to get bored, but it made me realise that me focusing on any single thing for what feels like a long period of time will basically send me into a little spin. When I’m watching a movie or show, I normally have to tweet throughout it or play a game on my phone at the same time. I get overwhelmed when I see long texts — which is especially worrying seeing as I am a… history student? I can’t do anything in silence, it scares me, but then I get distracted by the background music or noise. I love starting things, but I can never finish them — see the upload gap in these blogs for example.

I love laughing these things off but recently it’s really been getting to me. How am I meant to get back on track with my life and finish my degree when I actually struggle to just sit down and read? Then some frustration comes because I’m like, am I just actually this lazy or is it a legitimate attention issue, but the waitlist for a formal diagnosis for adult attention disorders is currently 2 whole years and in the words of Kimberly “Sweet Brown” Wilkins, ain’t nobody got time for that!

I do know the avenues I can take for little steps but if it’s not clear yet I am a very particular person and I like having all the facts before making a solid plan. I probably won’t stick to the plan, but I do still like a good foundation. But not knowing why I find it so hard to just sit down and complete a task for even 20 minutes has sent me into a bit of a tailspin.

I know a lot of what causes my depressive moods is feelings of inadequacy and feeling academically inadequate is definitely going to follow me around this year if I can’t do the literal only thing a historian has to do which is to read.

2) I’ve become way more reliant on people

As has been mentioned before countless times, I am a bad bitch. But my bad bitch energy comes from me knowing that no matter what I could enter situations alone and be okay. In fact, in my 1st first year at university, I went clubbing alone on my first night so sure that I would make friends and have a good time and I certainly did. But I met so many lovely people the past few years that I’ve loved being around people even more than I did before. Then add the fact I did nothing the last year but stay with friends and just hang out while they actually got on with their lives, my life has basically been about being with other people for quite some time now.

I’m starting my own life again where I actually have my own priorities, but I’m really struggling with that. For so long, when I’ve been alone I’ve just sat in darkness watching true crime documentaries, but now when I’m alone I should be working, and that shift is really difficult for me. I’ve associated alone time with indulging the depression for so long that I’m quite scared to become a proper independent young bad bitch again. I’ll get there, but it feels like if I’m not quickly able to make that shift, I’m going to fuck up this year again and I just literally couldn’t think of anything worse than prolonging this degree any longer than I already have.

3) I’m still depressed

LOL obviously! I know this one sounds like a ‘no duh’ but the past couple of weeks I’ve realised I actually am still bloody depressed LOL. I am definitely doing a LOT better than previous years, don’t worry. I actually wake up in the morning now, I feel energy to do things most days, and generally my mood is a lot higher. But a couple weeks ago, I would get a bit waved and start spurting out lots of suicidal jokes, and at first, I thought it was just silly waved me, then I sat down one day and realised those feelings of worthlessness were still somewhere deep inside me.
I was so damn confused because I had been having great time living LOL! As far as I could with Ms Rona cockblocking life, I had a pretty good summer! I’m living with my best friend in my favourite city and I’ve been looking cute as heck recently. I started to feel useful and lively again, so to say the blow was damning would be an understatement. But then I rationalised, of course I feel better, I’m on Prozac which definitely gives me more structure and energy, but it won’t fix all those deep dark issues that contribute to my depression. Yes, I know, therapy, don’t worry, it’s coming soon.

Don’t worry, I’m still cute tho!

I guess this reflective period for me has just shown me that I can’t just smooth over my problems with a smile and a “don’t worry about it sweetheart”. It’s shown me that I should actually be honest with my loved ones when they ask how it’s going because the only reason there’s worry in their eyes and voices when they talk to me is because they want me to be okay. Who wouldn’t be worried when you go from being all smiles to shutting down for a year and doing nothing? I’m trying to be more transparent with what is freaking me out these days and not just immediately respond to things with “it’ll be fine” because truthfully I don’t know if it will be fine, and after a really good few months that is more scary to me than anything else.

Part of the reason I stopped writing was because I felt like a bit of a fraud; why should I be writing and potentially influencing people’s moods when I feel so at odds with myself? I still don’t know, but at least getting my feelings out there feels more honest and authentic to myself than pretending all the issues are over. It’s an ongoing journey, not a completed one, with loads of twists and turns and loops and breaks. So this was a little break, but hopefully I get back on track

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depressed 22 year old trying to figure life out

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Faridat F Abimbola

Faridat F Abimbola

depressed 22 year old trying to figure life out

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